Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Believe...

that there is no black and white. I believe that life exists in the in-between, the grey. Seeking the extremes and absolutes of the black and white is a fruitless effort; such absolutes do not exist. My personal struggle is to avoid seeking the absolutes and instead rest, relax and experience life in the grey. I believe that I cannot be truly happy, full of joy, until I accept the fact that my surroundings are constantly changing, that the people I surround myself with are constantly changing, and that I am constantly changing.


Not a day goes by that my assumptions are challenged and the firm places I stand on are battered and torn. It can be scary, sometimes, for the things I thought I could count on most to become rocky or unstable. To be honest, it is always scary. Being unable to control my life and the events I experience scares the everlivin' out of me. I want to be in control. I want to be able to plan and create my future. I want to shape it into the vision I have always dreamed, but never realized. I want to experience my dreams while I am awake, but I know this may never come to pass.

My goal has always been to change the variables in my life into absolutes. This goal is far beyond my own reach; dare I say it is impossible? When I question things, I am usually looking to change them into something that better fits my worldview, my understanding of what life should look like.

I fail at this. Constantly.

I am not the only person who attempts to create absolutes out of volatility. But I have never met anyone who was successful. Napoleon had Waterloo. Caesar had Brutus. And so on. The goal, then, becomes to remove the desire for black and white. I am a selfish being, and above all else I want to be happy. I do not think this can exist while looking for absolutes. I believe that this can only exist while living in the grey, in the in-between. That is the place I am looking for.

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