The End of a Journey

Today perhaps the greatest journey I have traveled thus far in life comes to an end. For the last four years, I have studied and learned and grown and changed, always moving with today in mind, with this end on the horizon. Strangely enough, I never really expected that today would come. Yes, I knew it was a relative certainty. But I also never thought that these four years would go by so quickly. In four years I have formed lasting friendships, traveled the world, developed as both a leader and a learner and grown immensely as a person. If today I met the person who walked into this place in 2007, I wonder if I would even recognize myself.

Spending this time at Our Lady's University has been wonderful, an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my time on this earth. Being able to find a place that becomes home so quickly yet so truly is something I doubt I will ever experience again.

Yet while this path is coming to an end today, another path begins. I am not entirely sure where it leads, but the surprise is half the fun anyway. I don't expect that the next journey I go on will come near to what this one has been, but perhaps it doesn't need to match this one. Regardless, I know now like I did four years ago that there is but one way for me approach this new journey before me:

Afoot and lighthearted, I take to the open road.

And so on...

Purpose

Expanding on my previous post (The Open Road?), I believe it is important to identify why the uncertainty before me on my path is so unnerving. Certainly if anyone looks far enough ahead, they won't be able to see what is coming. This is a circumstance that affects each and every one of us, and is a natural part of our humanity. Do not think that I wish to know the future. Rather, I wish to know which path on the Open Road to take. This is quite often unclear.

The problem is purpose. "It is purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us. It is purpose that defines us." Without purpose, there is no reason to wake up in the morning. Without purpose, there is no reason to be. I need a reason to get up in the morning; otherwise, it is too easy to sleep until noon and accomplish nothing during the day. It is too easy to sit at my desk from 8 to 5, five days out of seven, and let that be my life's work. If 8 to 5 becomes my life's work, I will be ashamed of myself. If I define myself by my job, I will want nothing to do with myself.

You are not your job. Et cetera.

Throughout my life, I have always been able to identify a purpose for myself. I gave my best effort in high school in order to give myself a better chance at being accepted into my dream college. Whether it was sports, academics, clubs or student government, I pushed myself to excel and involved myself extensively in order to build a college resume. Certainly college wasn't my only motive for the things I did in high school, but it was a significant driver behind every decision. Having accomplished that goal, my purpose became developing as a person and expanding myself while working to graduate from the University. Thus far, this goal is well in hand and right on schedule. My GPA might not be as high as I would like, but it is good enough. I spent four months overseas, learning new things about the world and myself in equal parts. I have met new people, studied new subjects, placed myself in situations that were previously foreign to me. I am well on my way to fulfilling that purpose.

But what after that? What becomes my purpose? It could be to get a job, to become a self-sustaining individual. It could be finding a cause with which to dedicate myself. It could be to find someone to love and learn from, and to build a life together with them. It could be all of these in some combination. But I do not know. If someone were to ask me what my purpose is going to be after I graduate, I would not have an answer. "I don't know" is the best I could do. The uncertainty that scares me is the ambiguous nature of my future purpose.

I have written before about my search for a cause that I am passionate about. I believe that may be my purpose right now; aside from finishing school, finding a job, etc. - my purpose might be to find the cause I am willing to fight for. I am in no hurry to find my future partner in life. I am not willing to commit to someone in that way just yet. But I want to improve the world I live in. I want to leave my mark. I am afraid of looking back on my life and wondering what my purpose was, wondering if I created or inspired positive change in this world, wondering if I affected any person's life. I am scared to death of looking back and being dissapointed.

I am looking for my purpose. As I (and Don Miller) have written before, sometimes you need to see someone love something or be passionate about it before you can love it or be passionate about it. I would love to hear about your passions. I would feel blessed to know what drives you. Maybe you are looking for purpose as well. Perhaps we can find it together.

And so on...

The Open Road?

Since my last significant personal transformation, which occurred a few years ago, I have looked at my life as if I were travelling on an open road. Those individuals close to me know the significance that the idea of an open road has on my life, and I hold that idea and the pursuit of it dear. Life has presented me many opportunities and possibilities, and I do not regret the choices I have made in the slightest. Sure, I wish I had scored higher in a class here or there, or that my relationships with some others had been better and more healthy. But at the same time, if given the chance I would not change who I am. "What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."

That brings me to where I stand today. The picture above is a poignant representation of my life currently: the open road does not seem so open right now. The choices before me seem fairly limited; my only decision is whether to turn back or keep heading forward. Since the transformation that I spoke of earlier, this has always been an easy decision, and I have always chosen to keep moving ahead. Not anymore. The road I am travelling has but two options, forward or backward. I can only see a little ways ahead; after that it becomes dark and the future becomes unknown. I hate the unknown, and even as I've grown used to it it still makes me uncomfortable. I cannot see far enough ahead to know if my road will become open again. Looking down, I see that the path itself is not a sure thing; at any moment I could miss a step and fall through. Making a mistake and taking a fall is not a terrible thing; as I said in my last post, failure is certainly not always a bad thing, and in many cases can be beneficial. However, the murky nature of the water below frightens me. If I fall from the path, I do not know where I will land. I do not know how far it is to the bottom. I do not know.

Take it in. Realize the uncertainty. Grasp the depth of the unknown. Now, understand that the road will be narrow at times. It will be broken and difficult to travel. Walt Whitman, my companion on the Open Road, knew this. "I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes; these are the days that must happen to you". If I am to earn my place in the world, if I am to find my path on the road, I must travel through the rough patches. I have to be willing to continue forward across rickety swinging bridges. I cannot let my fear of the unknown trump my desire for what the future has in store for me.

The road seems narrow right now. I see negativity and sadness all around me; the perfect future I had envisioned has not come to pass. But the road stretches on. There is more travelling to be done, more relationships to begin, more lives to touch and be touched by. It may be dark across that bridge, but there is nothing fulfilling about reliving the past. I would not trade where I am if I was given the chance. I am proud of who I am and where I have come from. I am excited about where I am going, even as I do not know the nature of my future. "Strong and content, I travel the open road."

And so on...

The Open Road

"From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will,
Divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

I and mine do not convince by arguments, similes, rhymes,
We convince by our presence.

Listen! I will be honest with you,
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you

My call is the call of battle, I nourish active rebellion,
He going with me must go well arm'd,
He going with me goes often with spare diet, poverty, angry enemies, desertions.

Allons! the road is before us!"

-WW