The Open Road?

Since my last significant personal transformation, which occurred a few years ago, I have looked at my life as if I were travelling on an open road. Those individuals close to me know the significance that the idea of an open road has on my life, and I hold that idea and the pursuit of it dear. Life has presented me many opportunities and possibilities, and I do not regret the choices I have made in the slightest. Sure, I wish I had scored higher in a class here or there, or that my relationships with some others had been better and more healthy. But at the same time, if given the chance I would not change who I am. "What happened happened and could not have happened any other way."

That brings me to where I stand today. The picture above is a poignant representation of my life currently: the open road does not seem so open right now. The choices before me seem fairly limited; my only decision is whether to turn back or keep heading forward. Since the transformation that I spoke of earlier, this has always been an easy decision, and I have always chosen to keep moving ahead. Not anymore. The road I am travelling has but two options, forward or backward. I can only see a little ways ahead; after that it becomes dark and the future becomes unknown. I hate the unknown, and even as I've grown used to it it still makes me uncomfortable. I cannot see far enough ahead to know if my road will become open again. Looking down, I see that the path itself is not a sure thing; at any moment I could miss a step and fall through. Making a mistake and taking a fall is not a terrible thing; as I said in my last post, failure is certainly not always a bad thing, and in many cases can be beneficial. However, the murky nature of the water below frightens me. If I fall from the path, I do not know where I will land. I do not know how far it is to the bottom. I do not know.

Take it in. Realize the uncertainty. Grasp the depth of the unknown. Now, understand that the road will be narrow at times. It will be broken and difficult to travel. Walt Whitman, my companion on the Open Road, knew this. "I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes; these are the days that must happen to you". If I am to earn my place in the world, if I am to find my path on the road, I must travel through the rough patches. I have to be willing to continue forward across rickety swinging bridges. I cannot let my fear of the unknown trump my desire for what the future has in store for me.

The road seems narrow right now. I see negativity and sadness all around me; the perfect future I had envisioned has not come to pass. But the road stretches on. There is more travelling to be done, more relationships to begin, more lives to touch and be touched by. It may be dark across that bridge, but there is nothing fulfilling about reliving the past. I would not trade where I am if I was given the chance. I am proud of who I am and where I have come from. I am excited about where I am going, even as I do not know the nature of my future. "Strong and content, I travel the open road."

And so on...

A Battle to Fight, part 1

Back during high school, one of the most interesting academic experiences I have ever been a part of took place. My senior year English class with Mr. Schuster was nothing if not unique. The part of that class that had the most lasting impact on me was a project we did that lasted nearly a month. The project consisted of writing a poem and finding a song that reflected the mood or emotion expressed by the poem. Appropriately, this project was referred to as our song-poems.

The poem I wrote was entitled "blank white wall", and reflected my disillusionment with the disparity between life as it could be and life as it is. The song that I believed best fit the poem was "Imagine" by John Lennon, a song that speaks for itself. My song-poem combination was nothing special, and is nothing to brag on. This is not the purpose of my telling this story.

The purpose is what happened after I finished my presentation. Mr. Schuster spent a moment reflecting on what I had written and the song I had played, and then introduced me to something that would impact my life greatly. He pulled out a copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass and read out a passage from Whitman's poem Song of the Open Road. The passage he read was the following:

My call is the call of battle—I nourish active rebellion;
He going with me must go well arm’d;
He going with me goes often with spare diet, poverty, angry enemies, desertions.

In that moment, my teacher recognized something in me that I had failed to recognize in myself. I am a warrior at heart. I am a man in need of a battle to fight. It isn't that I look for problems or points of contention. Rather, I need a cause to fight for. I need a purpose that will wake me up in the morning and drive me throughout the day. I need to be challenged. I need something to believe in.

The quest I find myself on each day is to identify what cause drives my soul and stirs my heart. The quest is to find what I am passionate about. As I discover these things, I will share them here. I have identified some at this juncture in my journey, and I will write concerning them in the future. Hence the "part 1" in the title of this post. They stir my heart. Perhaps they will stir your heart as well.

Just remember, he going with me will be hungry, poor and unpopular more often than not. But I welcome you to come along. Lord knows I could use the company.

The Open Road

"From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will,
Divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

I and mine do not convince by arguments, similes, rhymes,
We convince by our presence.

Listen! I will be honest with you,
I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,
These are the days that must happen to you

My call is the call of battle, I nourish active rebellion,
He going with me must go well arm'd,
He going with me goes often with spare diet, poverty, angry enemies, desertions.

Allons! the road is before us!"

-WW