Monday, December 13, 2010

A Quiet Desperation

Sometimes it is necessary to be honest with oneself. If I am going to take "γνῶθι σεαυτόν" seriously then I have to be willing to look myself in the eye and say what needs to be said, to explore things that it would be convenient to ignore. I like to think that I am a fairly self-aware individual, a person who doesn't shy away from reality for the sake of convenience.

Deep down, beneath all my pretentions and hangups, I really just want to be wanted.

It isn't a matter of loneliness or community. I have friends, family, brothers and people to talk to and lean on. Sometimes those categories blur, sometimes they do not. I can walk into a room and see individuals both glad and annoyed that I am there. This is natural, I think, part of most people's life experience. I wouldn't trade the reality of who I am and the existence I lead for anything.

I like to think that if I were to meet myself I would want to be friends with myself. I think I would like who I am if viewed from the outside. I know I approach people honestly and without pretension; I know I am patient in how I view an individual or a situation, refusing to take initial impression at face value. People deserve more than first impressions - they deserve multiple chances. I am thoughtful, straightforward and flexible in my approach to any number of different kinds of people.

And while I know that people like and accept me, at times that isn't enough. Often I find myself craving something deeper, more impactful. I don't just want to be tolerated; I want to be wanted.

If the desire of my heart is to love and be loved, half of that desire is outside of my control. Half of that desire is a quiet desperation to be enjoyed and desired and loved by others. I believe that I understand how to approach and deal with the first half of my heart's desire, but I don't yet know how to approach the second half. The half out of my control. Perhaps this requires a letting go, a stepping back. An acknowledgment to myself that when it comes I will know. A willingness to be patient. A resolve not to press or force the issue.

I believe that one day my entire heart's desire will be realized. I hope that I might be patient enough to let it materialize naturally. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

And so on...

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